Losing my heart

This guy.  My heart.

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He’s called Ashki, which means “little boy,” in Navajo. Sometime I’ll tell you the story of how he got his name.

One year ago today, he relapsed for the second and last time. He had IMHA – immune mediated hemolytic anemia. At least we think that’s what he had. His case was unusual.

They say the first year of grieving is the most difficult. Getting through all the holidays and birthdays, the first ones, without your loved one.

I’ve been anticipating today, knowing it was coming. Knowing that today leads to the first anniversary of his death, in a little over a month.

The other day, I kept thinking of him. I kept thinking, I need to check on Ashki. I kept feeling like I would look over and see him, see his goofy face, waiting by the door. It didn’t hurt like it usually does though. It was just strange.

I miss him so very much.

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8 thoughts on “Losing my heart

  1. It sounds like you are starting to let go a little of your grief. I hope you don’t feel guilty about not feeling so absolutely horrible (now you just feel strange/sad). You know Ashki would want you to be happy. Hang in there. Take your time with it. Let it run it’s natural course (however long that course takes for you) and some day you will be able to look back and not feel horrible or strange. You will look back and feel warmed by the memory. Love you. Take care.

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    1. Thank you so much, my friend. Grief is so up and down and all over the place. I agree with you, I think the best thing is to let it run it’s natural course and take as long as it takes, let it come and go as it will. I think that’s how we honor our losses, you know?
      love you too –
      tamara

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  2. I understand anniversaries. I know you miss him. I really miss hearing about your relationship with him. Looking forward to seeing you no you very soon.

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  3. I don’t know, Do you ever get past losing a piece of your heart like this? I know we love all our dogs, but sometimes one of them is different. One of them works their way into your heart and is called a Heart dog. I lost my heart dog in 2003, I saw her out of the corner of my eye all the time for the first year and many years after. Then a little boy puppy entered my life and I stopped seeing Willow. I like to think he is Willow come back to me. Why not ? So I offer you hope that you will see your Ashki again. I believe it is very possible.

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    1. I agree with you Laura – Ashki was different. I’m so happy you have your little boy puppy, Willow come back to you. I believe anything is possible, there’s so much we don’t know. Thank you so much for your note.
      love,
      tamara

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